Re: I am _______, but hey look a black fungus.

by bcimchuckbass

I agree with you, Dark World of Douglas. Panspermia explains so much about these amazingly complex human temples – our beautiful human bodies. Our evolution is firmly rooted in symbiotic relationships with so many tiny things that we can’t possibly ever understand zooming around in our bodies like alien pansperm. Take blood cells for instance. There are red ones and white ones, but how do white cells know where they are going? I have a theory. Mitochondria are thought to be ancient alien cells that our inferior earthly anaerobic cells absorbed. These “mitochondria” multiplied and divided on their own, and had a preference for earthly female cells because they expressed more powerful genetic ideas. That is why I want to become part of a matriarchal society, to unleash the hidden alien power within our mitochondria!

Yet I wonder, did you consider that melanin also absorbs UV rays in human skin? That’s why albinos have higher rates of skin cancer. In albinos there is an error in forming melanin from tyrosine, an amino acid. Tyrosine can also be turned into dopamine, the neurotransmitter that rewards you for sex, gambling and taking amphetamines/cocaine. Tyrosine can also be turned into norepinephrine and epinephrine. These are called catecholamines, and they help you run away from bears. Tyrosine can also be used to make muscle, also known as meat. Muscle helps you wrestle bears.

It is clear, then, that McGuyver, our alien progenitor-god, would choose a vial of tyrosine over one with melanin-expressing fungi because he knows tyrosine is the only way to get a tan while impressing mitochondrial ho’s at the beach with the great white shark he tamed after getting high and gambling away his ex-wife’s life savings to an alien albino full of melanin-containing pansperm only to go double-or-nothing on a dare that he couldn’t wrestle a great white shark. He won that bet thanks to tyrosine. Also, since tyrosine is an amino acid, McGuyver needs it to stay ripped. And absorbing gamma radiation? Sounds like cancer to me, and McGuyver fucking hates cancer.

The next alien-symbiogod in my biological theogony is SLJ, the albino alien who foolishly took McGuyver’s great white shark bet. Well, SLJ knows beyond a shadow of a mother-fucking doubt that phenylalanine is the real secret to all biological life since tyrosine can actually be made from phenylalanine. Therefore, his mission on earth has become the pan-insemination of all earthly phenylketonurics, who can’t turn phenylalanine into tyrosine and are therefore panspermsluts. SLJ is just looking for a good time.

I should note here that the alien SLJ only appears to be an albino – he has so much melanin that he has to emit all that gamma and UV radiation as a great white light – and so it is not technically accurate to refer to him as an albino. The duality of SLJ’s melanin symbiology represents the intermingling of dark and light, good and evil, albinos and aliens.

Finally, the last and most feared of the symbiogods is Silas from the Da Vinci Code, who is a true albino (unlike SLJ) and who could therefore – theoretically – forever destroy our alien panfriedspermosymbiohorseshit link, melanin, through his ever-increasing panspermatogenesis stimulated by his endless autoflogging and the terrible writing of pan-ejaculating Dan Brown.

Notes: see John 7:24 & 2 Corinthians 5:10 for the classic coming-of-age tale of the first nasty albino, from which the dysfunctional Silas is drawn.